I fought myself about writing this for years... I refused.
I refused to talk about how I have bumped into so many people, both male and female, that have standards that they place on the opposite sex that are just absolutely ridiculous. They spend all day complaining about how they can't find a person who is good enough; always finding something wrong. Moving desperately from "as long as they're cute" and "as long as they have a job" to bitterly saying "I deserve a '10' who has at LEAST 3 stamps on their passport, makes at LEAST 6 figures, no kids, no previous marriages, volunteers on weekends, hits the gym 4 times a week, has a character that is on par with Jesus and a car that is less than 3 years old and runs on premium gas." Meanwhile, you just turned 30 for the 5th year in a row, are emotionally damaged (possibly beyond repair), work a dead end job in a call center, can't cook, don't wanna clean, and your best days (physically) left you around the time you dropped out of college.
But the longer I live, the more I see the need to talk about it.
I was talking to this girl for a lil while on the phone about the last guy who attempted talk to her. This was another "deal breaker moment" where she basically described a great guy but kept him in the friend zone over something to which I replied "Is that it?!" She replied "Yep"... I shook my head in disbelief. I know, in reference to the deal breaker listed in the
other post, sex is a big deal for many but the thing is, her complaint wasn't even sexual. It wasn't kids. It wasn't money. It wasn't looks. It wasn't other women. It was something 98% of us would have deemed a non-factor. It was something (I felt) she could have dealt with... or at LEAST talked to the guy about it to see if this ONE (kinda small) thing could be fixed.
At this point I said to myself: "Self?"
Myself said: "Hm?"
I said: "Are you prepared to devote a lot of time and attention to this young lady, while walking on eggshells, knowing that at any point in time you could be placed into that abyss known as the friend zone in her mind for barely any reason at all (without her telling you)? Would you be ok with continuing to spend all this time (and possibly money) in an attempt to date a person - who's personality you don't even know because they have 'walls up' from being 'hurt before' - with the risk that, once you DO find out their personality (6 months down the line), you might not even like them?!"
I couldn't say yes... And that's when it clicked. I had been chasing after statistics and so was she. Had I been in love with her personality, things may have been different... But I wasn't... Even after talking on the phone for a couple months and going out a few times, it dawned on me that I still didn't have any idea of what her personality was. I'd been chasing her based on her representative; the resume she advertised and not who she really was. The situation looks good on paper - she has all her teeth and she could read. The problem is, as in basketball, just cause two players with awesome individual stats join the the same team doesn't automatically get them a ring. You gotta learn to play together. You gotta have chemistry.
From what I observe, most people are visual... at least initially. We see something we like; we go after it. Its just that simple. Now, the problem is, this physical/materialistic attraction often fails to hold our attention for longer than a few weeks. Let's be honest; no man or woman (lames aside) sits and stares at the person they are attempting to date while continuously and endlessly showering them with complements and telling them how beautiful they are. If it happens at all, it only happens for a short period of time until either a) the predator feels like the prey has given in or b) the predator gets bored. Shortly after this moment you realize that all that unnecessary, over-the-top, superficiality ain't all that important once you start actually dealing with the person. I guess what I'm trying to say is, that moment of "awestruckeness" dies very shortly after we meet and hang out a couple times, at which point your non-physical attributes need to kick in and take over... And if they don't kick in, you'll probably be left alone.
This is where many of us fail. We spend so much time trying to look appetizing (or chasing what looks appetizing) that we forget that the most important thing is our flavor. Its good to have standards, but be careful of people who appear to have it all together. A person's "statistics" and looks may grab a potential mate's attention - but personality and character KEEPS a potential mate's attention. There MUST be substance and character behind that flawless exterior.
I remember seeing long ago how fast food restaurants spray paint their food, hold them together adhesives and toothpicks and use all types of preservatives to make sure their combo looks perfect on their television commercial advertisements. They show you this perfectly stacked all beef patty accented with a slightly melted yellow american cheese square on a sesame seed bun with the freshest of lettuce and a perfectly sliced tomato on it; served with a soft drink that looks like it was specially created by Willy Wonka himself to never lose its fizz. If you ate what you saw on that commercial, there is a chance that you might die. It IS true that, on the flip side, its understandable that the company doesn't want to show you what they really deliver when you order.... you get this wimpy piece of brown lettuce, a small under-ripened tomato and a processed piece of heat lamp warmed mystery meat on a stale bun and a soda that has a little bit too much carbonated water in it - that doesn't sell.
To relate that to relationships, we DO have to sell ourselves (note: most people don't want an ignorant, ugly faced mate who can't dress) BUT we can not spend ages developing our "resume" so that, to the untrained eye, we look perfect, while completely forgetting to be a human being that other people can relate to. Sadly, many fall for the "commercial" and set the "commercial" as the goal and standard... but the commercial isn't real. And so, while chasing this dream, I've seen many end up in an endless cycle of dating the most flawed "flawless" people ever and being hurt to the point where they say "I want the sex but not the relationship" and begin to accept the notion of being single forever.
My advice? Find a cute faced person with morals and ideals close to your own and, as long as they aren't extremely lazy and selfish, give it a shot.
Sidenote: Don't hold others to a standard that you can't measure up to yourself... It'll make dating a lil easier for you.
