Celibacy and abstinence - two very real words and two of the more difficult topics to tackle by young males. Why am I talking about it, you ask? Well... Not long ago I was dealing with a young lady who didn't quite understand my hesitation and then decline of her sexual advance. It put a strain on our "friendship" (and I use that term very loosely) and we never recovered. At the time of her "offering" I had known her just about 4 days. I told her it was too soon and I don't sleep with strangers. I know a lot guys would have taken advantage but, say what you want to, the decision I made was safe and it's smart. Anyway, I was telling my homeboy about it and, after I gave him the full story he says "Oohhhh no! If we are looking for long term, that's somethin you RUN from!" To which I replied: "Exactly. And that's exactly what I ended up doing." But I don't think she looked at things the same way...
Here's my issue...
People use sex too often as a tool to help convince somebody (who may not be all that interested in them) that they are a good "investment" - if can use that terminology. As a male, I want sex..... but as a MAN I want to be able to make an accurate judgement on who I want to be in relationship with without "but her (insert term for female sex organ) so GOOD THO!" being a determining factor that tips the scales in her favor when I really need to look at the fact that this girl (for example) is mentally and emotionally unstable with substance abuse issues and has been flexing with her credit card so she won't look broke; only to have to check her once we start officially dating and she becomes sadly mistaken that HER debt and inability to maintain any type of budget is automatically my problem. That wasn't a real situation for me... but it's a very real situation; so high off of the sex that you can't see that the person you're foolin around with is someone who needs to be in a straight jacket with a padded room.
Sex was never meant to be used as a "tool" to keep; in my eyes, it should be the ultimate prize for the commitment you make to one another based on the "worthiness" that you prove over time with your CHARACTER. You attract with your looks. You keep with character. You reward permanent serious commitment with sex. Truthfully and honestly, the only way to be 100% ALMOST sure, is to be married (I say almost because some people don't even take that seriously these days). Sleeping with somebody within a week puts you in prime contention to be elected as a jump off... and a "jump off" will be just that - treated like a harlot with no hope of ever being the wife (or "wifey" for that matter). The way I think now, if I don't have what I deem as a serious, committed relationship, I will abstain from sex. The fact that I'm a mature adult who has had enough meaningless "sessions" drove me to think "it's best we part ways before we waste anymore of each other's time".
But I wonder.... Is this common knowledge? Does Generation Y get that, for the most part, sex during week 1 doesn't typically lead to anything meaningful? I want to say yes... I want to say that majority of us have some type of understanding that, if you don't build some form of relational foundation, the house will fall during the first storm... but I just can't. True enough, there are exceptions to the rule. I know of one couple who says they slept together on the first night, moved in with each other shortly after, eventually got married and have been "happily" married for several years... but I would imagine that that wife sleeps with one eye open. In order to avoid the "hoetic hoetry" known as infidelity, she needs to stay on point. All her energy has to be focused on keeping his eyes from wandering and who wants to live like that? (Honestly, based on what I've been hearing from the horror stories of the friends of homeboys, he might need to sleep with one eye open too! I know of TWO situations where women have cheated on men and came home with another man's baby in their belly. Not only did you cheat but, no protection?! Come on son... SMH.)
The longer I live, the more I observe that relationships built on lust typically die the same way. I have seen SO MANY relationships (and marriages) die because of infidelity, which is basically just a complete lack of self control. But I wonder... Has "lust at first sight" become the new norm? Have women just adapted to the fact that men want sex and caved to the pressures built by today's sexually driven society or are the situations I've seen, heard and dealt with the exception to the rule? Somebody please let me know. And understand that, for the sake of the argument, I don't even have to take it as far waiting until marriage; I get that majority of humans don't have the discipline to wait that long, but am I being unrealistic to expect you to wait until I'm sure I even want you around when the new year rolls around?!
This can't be it.
I just won't believe it.
I gotta interview you before I practice baby making with you (especially since sometimes during the practice you get that interruption to your regularly scheduled program where you are notified that this is not a test, i.e. birth controls that aint controlling and condoms that ain't "condom-ing"). My kid can't be stupid or crazy (or too ugly for that matter) and neither can his/her mother... And 4 days just aint long enough for me to make proper judgement. But maybe that's just me...
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